The Crappy Day

I know. We all get them. Today was just one of the worst. And it was all my fault. I don't know what happened to me today. I just... I don't know.

My friends called it a total breakdown. You know, just one of those things. I think I even went a little hysterical on them for a bit. Thankfully, chocolate slowed me down, even though it may have made me a teensy bit high-strung. You can always count on chocolate to save the day.

I confess, I skipped the entire day. First period, I stood up a friend and a group member who had to present the entire thing by herself, and the other two periods, I probably missed a lab or two (Murphy's Law, much?). I mean, I skipped physics!! I told myself I wasn't going to do that anymore, because skipping even one day of physics is like putting yourself so far behind the class even more than you already are. I should know where this path leads. I fucked up last year, and it was the first time I had to go to summer school--which was such a complete nightmare that I told myself I would never willingly go to summer school again.

My friends told me I had it coming. I mean, I have English, Chemistry, Physics, and Functions in one semester. I'm not Asian. Sometimes I need a break from all this shit. And today I just had to fuck up. Today, when I had a frickin' Functions Test (I once studied for one of them, and I got a 65%!) that I didn't even study for. I don't even know what the fuck the teacher was talking about this past week--how the hell was I going to even get a 30% on the frickin' test? At least, that was my justification when I skipped it. Now I just feel like I'm postponing my doom.

I should've prepared for this eventuality. I thought I could go Asian, and work hard this semester. What a laughable concept. I haven't worked hard since two years ago. I stopped caring two years ago. And now, what the hell am I going to do? Sometimes I just feel like giving up, and going for a repeat year. But if I don't work hard this year, how will I next year?

I've tried to make myself care. I really have. I've looked at people who've dropped out and are working part-time jobs now, and seen how miserable they are now, but... I don't care. I've seen those who work twelve-hour shifts just to scrape by, and I still just fuck up. I've even done a twelve-hour shift, standing the entire fucking time. Granted, it was only for a day, but I still can't bring myself to care. What's wrong with me??

It's funny. I do care, but not about school. I care that I don't care about school. Does that make sense?

Maybe tomorrow, I'll read all this as melodramatic bullshit, and get on with life. With physics. And math. And chemistry and english. Most of the time I just want to rip out the pages of the physics textbook and drop the husk in a nearby river. Maybe even make a hat or two (origami is awesome!). But, other times, very occasionally, I just want to cover it in bronze and stand it up, just because of the fact that I can understand so much now. The world is so cool from a mathematical perspective. Sometimes, I'm amazed I can understand it, and other times I'm so fucking frustrated at its twisted logic.

You know what, direct proportionality and inverse proportionality can go fuck themselves.