Oh Shite

I'm starting night school Calculus and night school Physics in February. And I still haven't finished my Independent online course.

I am so screwed.

So my schedule from February to June will be:

1. Get up at 6,
2. Go to work,
3. Finish at 2,
4. Go straight to my night school location,
5. Finish the homework in the two hours I have to spare,
6. Go to night school,
7. Finish at 10 pm,
8. Go home and sleep.
9. Rinse and repeat.

And, the funny thing is, I have Fridays and the weekend off for both work and night school. So four out of seven days a week, it'll be really hectic. And the three rest days will need to be used for my Independent learning course.
I'll either have an excellent established work ethic in June, or I'll crash and burn. And, considering my work history, I don't want to think about which is more likely.

But, hey, if I somehow manage to do well this semester, I'll probably be accepted at Waterloo for Chemical Engineering. And then I'll be able to move and live on campus, and party like crazy. While studying, of course.

On another topic, my birthday (my real one, not my legal one) is coming up soon. Yeah, you can tell from all the Valentine's Day displays shops and restaurants are putting up.
I'm so angry. I'll be nineteen in age, but not legally, so I still won't be able to go clubbing until November! I asked my mom if her relatives in our home country can send my real birth certificate here, but apparently everyone over there is just in it for themselves, and they don't do favours for nothing. The only thing I can do now is get a good fake ID, because there's no way in hell that I'm waiting another seven months until I'm able to go out, drink alcohol legally, and have fun with my friends (all the while being safe, of course).

So all I need to do is finish my Independent Learning course as soon as possible, get at least 90% on all my night school courses, not get fired from my day job, and figure out a way to get the most legit-looking fake ID. Easy-peasy.

Birthdays

Happy fake birthday to me!
My parents were immigrants, so they thought that it was a great idea to fake a birth certificate to make us a few months younger than we were (apparently, in their country, it's the younger people who get the better jobs). So, today, I'm legally 18. Even though I've been 18 since February 14. God, I seriously need to get my real birth certificate delivered here.
Yeah, I'm being bombarded with facebook messages of every "friend-of-a-friend" wishing me a happy birthday.
Unfortunately, I'm not getting an 18th birthday party. Isn't that just sad? For my real birthday, in February, it was because there was no time or money for a cake and present, let alone a party. My 17th birthday present was my party. Well, parties are expensive, so I can't blame anyone. I think I'm just going on a self-pity rampage today.
To think, that since I actually got a job (a temporary one, though, that ended in October) I could pay for a party myself. But no, I got bedbugs. And now I can't invite anyone over for at least three months after pest control comes over and exterminates the fuckers. Not to mention I have to vacuum and steam my clothes, bedsheets, and mattress everyday now (well, I actually do it once a week, but I'm the lazy one in the family).
Sigh. That's my rant for today.

Anyway, how about you, nonexistent reader? Read any good books lately? Please, please tell me good books to read. I'm bored out of my fucking mind here. I just dropped out of high school (not a big deal since I already graduated and was just repeating a year for marks) and now I'm stuck. At. Home. All. Day. With my family. I feel like tearing my hair out and running for the hills. Instead of getting a birthday present, I'm more likely to be kicked out if I don't have a full-time job two weeks from now, paying for my cell phone plan, and enrolled in an independent course to upgrade my pathetic marks. The latter isn't a problem. The first two are, since no one's fucking hiring! It's all part-time and seasonal temporary bullshit. I think I'm going to have to go for McDonald's. At least they'll give me hours. And I won't have to stay at home with my family. You have no idea how much of a plus that is. Just when I think living with them isn't so bad, I realize that I haven't actually been living with them, since their work schedules were so opposite my school schedule, we barely saw each other (except, of course, for my sister--but we ignored each other whenever we could). But now, I just want to fucking get out. God, I hope that when I get hired, my work schedule will be opposite theirs, 'cause I really don't want to see their faces when I come home from work.
And that's family for you.

I can't believe I'm saying it...

... but I miss school.
Well, technically not really school, but lunch. Hanging out with my friends everyday—and I took it for granted.
I don't know what's bothering me this past week. I've survived summers before with barely seeing my friends. But now I'm just like... pining, or something. I don't know. It's just very embarrassing. I'm known for liking my alone-time, and here I am, wishing for company.
I think part of the reason is that I'm bored—and that I'm just not up-to-date on what's going on with everyone. I'm curious, and it feels weird to be out of the loop.
I know what you're thinking: Just pick up the phone and call. But what if they're busy or something? I can't just call. I need a reason—don't I? I'm very introverted that way—I usually don't like to start a conversation, but I'll join in something that's already started.
And my usual habit of avoiding and ignoring anything that makes me uncomfortable isn't working... again. It usually works so well, though. Usually, I just avoid and ignore until I deliberately forget about it—and then I'm fine. It didn't really work all that well in school, but, with emotions? Hell, yeah—it worked like a boss. :D

Admittedly, I've become a little less reserved than I used to be (once I learned that being quiet wouldn't get me anywhere)—but it was really difficult. Like having to present an assignment, and butterflies are dancing in your stomach—because you know that if you fuck up even a little bit, you're screwed. Having to go up to people and talk to them isn't my forte. In fact, I'd prefer not doing it at all. But where would that get me? In this society, it's all about connections and making a good first impression.

This leads me to my next point: An upcoming party. A former (WAY former) friend of mine invited me and about 60 other people to her 18th beach birthday bash. When I first saw the facebook invite, I was just like, what do I do? Let me give you some background info.
We were tight—like extremely tight—best friends in elementary school for six years (all the way from grade one to grade six).
I'll just call her S. She was my best friend and I was hers. We exchanged bracelets and necklaces and all that shit. The thing was, I didn't really like her all that much. But she always hung out with me, so I was like, why not? It's not like I had anyone else (I was pretty much a loner back then). There were a ton of things she said that I disagreed with, but she was fun to hang out with.
And then, in grade three, another girl came along (I'll call her M), and we became a trio. Well, it was more like me stuck in the middle of those two (who didn't really talk to each other in the beginning—but they got closer). I'm not saying I was popular. It was just basic school drama. Admittedly, I like M a lot better than S. But, two years later, M moved away, and S and I became close again.
After elementary school, though, we separated into different middle schools, and I deliberately began to slowly shut all ties with her (horrible, I know, but, at the time, I rationalized it away by thinking that part of my life was over now—and also avoiding and ignoring, as usual).
Anyway, M is also coming to the beach party, so I'm just like wondering how awkward it can get. Apparently, they still talk to each other, while I haven't talked to either of them in years.

But, you know what, I need to man up and start to face things, and this is the perfect time to do it (not to mention that it's a beach party). I'm just glad some of my current friends are coming, too. Otherwise it would probably alternate with me awkwardly trying to talk to M and S, or awkwardly trying to talk to a bunch of strangers.

God help me.

Bored...

I'm borrreeeddd....

I really don't want to start on packing, or all the homework that was due last week, so I think I'll just write (although I should be writing in my Writer's Craft journal--in which I'm a month behind).

Anyway... Things that have happened.

• Prom is this Friday (not today, next Friday)--and, guess what? I got my dress!! Finally!! And it's gorgeous. :D I'm so happy. (Psst... Don't tell anyone, but it was donated to the school, so I got it for free. Officially, it was extremely expensive, and I got it at a small boutique downtown.)
  
• A friend recently got back from what was supposed to be a long stay. I'm sad that it didn't work out, but I'm glad she's back. Hopefully, next time she travels, we'll be there and then we'll all have fun together (no matter how much in debt we may be from school).
• They started selling these gigantic ice cream drumsticks at Shopper's for only four dollars! Completely awesome. ♥
• So, I'm moving on the same day as Prom. That means that, while I'm getting my hair and makeup done, my family will be packing and moving all the big furniture, and then when I sleep over at a friend's house in the after-party, I'll have to bus and take two stations to my new place, instead of going back to my old one. A little weird, no?
• Starbucks and Pizza-Pizza have Wi-Fi! I'm starting to carry my PSP around everywhere now. Now, if only Timmies did, as well...
  
• I'm the only Programmer for my robotics group in computer engineering class. That means that I have to do all the coding (whether it'll be controlled by remote, or just autopilot) while the guys build the robot. Oh, and the other girl in my group's doing nothing. Just watching. I started subtly hinting that she actually WORK and she just brushed it off with a "No, it's fine. I think you guys all have it under control." Cue the mental rant.
  No, it's not fucking fine, bitch! Why don't you actually do some work around here? You see us working our asses off (I actually had to help build a bit--which I'm not supposed to do, as I'm the programmer) so why don't you get your lazy butt in gear, too? I mean, honestly. We also have to do a daily log. I hinted that why doesn't she do that, at least, and she came up with some bullshit that she couldn't log onto the online wiki. Well, fucking do something about that!
  *Deep breaths* Okay, I just needed to get that out of my system. I seriously don't know why she's not doing anything. She seemed like a very nice, studious person. And it's only in group work that I require people (including me) to do work, because it's not only your mark, it's everyone else's too. In individual work, I honestly don't give a shit. That's why I'm so behind on a lot of assignments. I really need to catch up.
• I recently signed up for this anti-plagiarizing community on LiveJournal, where everyone posts their stories, requiring that I not be a "silent reader" and actually critique at least two stories a month, or I'm kicked out. Yeah. I need to get started on that, too--if I can actually find a story that someone hasn't already reviewed, and gave all the points that I thought of.
• One thing I actually started on is this minimum 30k-word story that my friend drafted everyone for that's supposed to be finished by her birthday (this August). She thinks we can all be as good a writer as her, if we just try (wishful thinking, IMO--she's amazing). I started on the basic plot and character outline, and I think I may actually be able to complete at least 10k by August (fingers crossed--hopefully, she won't be too disappointed).
• Night school Advanced Functions is officially done! I just did my exam yesterday--and it was pretty easy, at least, compared to my day school exam that I completely failed. Now I just have to show up for the next two days (day one's exam review, where we look over our marks, and day two, we pick up our report card). That was my only exam for Semester 2. Now it's just summatives (year-end projects that replace exams).
  

I'm feeling very bipolar today. I think I'm PMSing. Two of my friends already got it, so I know they're going to give it to me, too. I keep hearing that people who are in constant contact with one another always get it around the same time. And it has happened before--a lot, actually. I remember one time when I got it a day after my friend, and then my sister got it a day after me.
The first day is always the worst--and when I feel the most effects. One minute I'm smiling at strangers, and another minute I'm bitching to my friends, irritated at the slightest things, and another minute, I feel so completely lethargic that I just fall asleep in class. Not to mention the fact that it fucking hurts like hell (imagine getting it during an exam--yeah, that'll definitely throw off your concentration).
At least, on the bright side, I won't have it during prom. :D

Changes

This semester, for me, is just one of the many changes that have happened since 2011.
It's the first ever semester I've had without math and the sciences. And, GOD, it feels like such a relief. Let me put it this way:
Last year, first semester, I had chemistry and biology. Second semester (the start of the shittiest year of my life), I had physics and math. Then, after I failed physics and barely passed math, I had to take physics AGAIN in summer school. Then I had it first semester, grade 12. A month had barely passed before I had it again, determined not to fail this time. Well, I didn't. I barely passed, with the skin of my teeth (whatever that expression means), and got a perfect 50.
It's just... It feels like it's been FOREVER since I haven't had physics in my life. Maybe that's why it just put me in such a depressing mood.
This semester, second semester, and the start of 2011, it's been SO refreshing, only having to worry about English and computer languages and hardware (which is so completely easy I usually never have homework).
And, I think this is a good omen. It means that 2011 will be a good year (provided I don't fuck up again).

But it's not just school. There's been a lot of changes happening between friends and family. I know a lot of families (including mine) are anxious to kick us out to live in dorms (or on the streets--for some, it really doesn't matter).
My friends have been deciding whether to stick around high school for another grueling year, doing co-op and extra courses, or repeating courses.
This isn't about school. It's about life. It's about how many changes happen to an eighteen-year-old, and how scary all of it is.
For me, I see university as this huge, dark, old brick-by-brick building looming over me, as I hear an evil cackle in the distance, and the skeleton of the trees shiver as thunder roars through the sky. Sorry, Writer's Craft is getting to me.
It's just very dark, and looming, and omnipresent. As if I can't escape its fate.
And this analogy isn't just for university. It can also be applied to my future relationship with my friends (what with all that's happening) and just life in general.
I hope it turns out to be the opposite. I hope University, and my future career (and my friends') and my relationship with my family (which has taken a huge trip spiraling downwards--perhaps because of my antsy feeling that I need to GET OUT) will turn out for the better.
With my family, I'm going to try and see if distance will better the relationship--which is the exact opposite for my friends. I know the distance between me and my friends won't better our relationship--but, perhaps, it may give us time to think and relax, without all the pressures that friendship requires. And then, when we're ready to talk, and read the letters that come pouring from all sorts of places (Windsor, Nigeria, Canada...), we may be able to improve the bond, and/or just reflect on it.
I hope this year gives us time to relax , reflect, and just... improve us in the end.

Holidays

You know, when I think about it, I haven't done anything (except sleep and read--found some new and totally awesome authors!) the past week. Now I have less than a week to review for the exams.
Someone shoot me now.

This week is going to be crazy. I'll probably be studying 12 hours a day, just to catch up. And I still have 5 physics labs to finish by the end of the Holidays.

But, you know what, if I finish studying early, I can do something resourceful in my own time--something that won't simply waste time--like crafts, or applying for a job. I have this wooden box that I put my coin collection in, but I have yet to paint it. It was something I was going to do over the Holidays, but more than a week's done, and I still haven't started.

I just need to start studying, and then I'll have the free time to do a lot of things.

Skipping

So... yeah. I'm skipping chemistry... again. It's not like the other times I've skipped, though, when I was in grade 10 or 11. That was just impulse. This required heavy decision making on my part. Weighing the pros and the cons. And my avoidance issues playing a heavy part on the pro's of why I shouldn't go to class.
See, I have this major project due today and I didn't even start. I swore to myself that I would start yesterday and stay up all night finishing it. Turns out I can't even do that. I fell asleep at 11:30. Frickin' ELEVEN THIRTY. It couldn't even be AT LEAST 2:00 am. I'm not even capable of staying up until 12.
I swear, I'm so tired everyday. I don't know why, but all I want to do when I come home at 6 is go to sleep. And I don't even like sleep. Actually, now I despise it even more than I did before. It wastes time, and gets in the way of me doing my work (this is me trying to blame anything but myself).
All I can see in the future is this downward spiral that results in me losing everything, getting kicked out, and working full-time at McDonald's. Maybe THEN I'll learn that you need to work hard in life, or you're screwed. But by then it'll be too late.

This is sad. Just plain SAD. Chemistry is the easiest course I have this semester, and I'm screwing it up more than any other course. Maybe I have this sub-conscious habit that, whenever something's easy, I don't even try. I would say I'm doing better in physics than I am in chemistry, because I'm working harder, but I'm not. To both (working harder in physics and doing better). I'm doing better in math (A.K.A. Functions) than I am in chemistry, but that's because I had to fail a few tests for the reality check to happen.

The way this is going, I'm going to have to repeat all my courses this semester. And that's worse than sad.

I wish I could say, like my friend, that fighting gets out all the tension that's been building up inside of me, but it doesn't. It just creates more tension, and ends up in me being more miserable than ever. Whenever I fight with my sister or my brother, the topic of me doing badly in school comes up, with them being the shining example of actually doing their homework, and me never winning the fight afterwards. And then snarky comments ensue after the fight, such as, "At least I do my homework." or "Why am I even talking to you? You don't even do your homework."
Yeah, they're not helping the situation. Because after the fight, rebellious teen that I am, I don't even consider listening to them. Instead, out of pure spite, I decide not to do my homework... for an hour (self-delusion; I'm usually asleep in an hour). This is a classic example of me cutting off my nose to spite my face.
The difference between a full-on fight, and the fight that I have with my sister is that, with a full-on fight, everyone's finished with each other afterwards, and the negative feelings have dissipated. With my sister, however, when she wins the fight (because she always does), she keeps on pushing it in my face. "Yeah, I'm better than you because I do my homework. Because I have better fashion taste. Because I actually do my chores. Because I have to act like the older sibling, even though I'm not..." And it goes on and on. God, I just really hate her competitive streak. It's so fucking annoying. I don't give a shit that you do all that stuff. Just leave me the fuck alone!
And I have to share a room with her, so it's not like I can kick her out of my room.

I just wish I had this room where I could close off everyone, and then maybe I would do something. I need a lock.

Okay. Today's the day when I can catch up. I'll just hand in the project and accept late marks. I'll finish the physics labs that were due more than a month ago, and the ten-page ISU due Monday. I'll finish all my chapter work, and start on my english essay.
[Notice I say this to myself everyday].

Procrastination

This is about a really bad habit of mine. I am a procrastinator.

They say the first step in getting rid of a bad habit is acknowledging it. I've "acknowledged" it since I was in grade 7. It still hasn't gone away. In fact, it's actually gotten worse. So much so to the point that my entire family feels that I need a good kick to get things going.

I used to get really great marks in school, the kind of marks that made everyone think I was one of the smartest in the school. But that was when I was a kid, when the lessons about always doing more than my best on my homework and studying extra before a test were ingrained so deeply into my mind that I didn't even notice it was there. I thought it was natural. But even then, I was chafing against it. (Best word I could use.)

Grade seven was when I finally realized how those habits controlled my life. I was basically a loner, with no social life whatsoever and one measly best friend that I didn't even really like all that much (though I never said it to her face--she was really nice to me). But that was fine. I had my siblings to keep me company (even though they had their own friends to hang out with). The year before, I had won the Academic Award. It was a great accomplishment, and I worked my ass off for it, always asking the teacher how I could improve and such. But, what now? After I had won it, everyone treated me differently. No longer was I the quiet, invisible girl that people never even noticed. I was the person everyone wanted to copy off, while they called me "nerd" to my face. I hated it. Truth was, I loved being a loner. No one annoying bothered me and I was left to my own daydreams. (I wonder if that's what my friends mean when they say I'm out of it sometimes.)

Then I moved to a different school, and no one knew me anymore. I was invisible once again. It was a different sort of school, with a lot more smarter people. I remember getting my first test back and how shocked I was at the low grade. I don't know what happened to me, but I think that was when I stopped caring. After all, I had won the Academic Award, and what had that gotten me? What was the point?

And that's when my bad habit, procrastination, striked. It was creeping up on me the past few years, but my ingrained good habits kept it at bay. No longer. Singlehandedly, I destroyed those good habits that kept me afloat when I stopped caring. I started staying up late to finish last-minute projects, and being satisfied with a C+ (my younger self would have been horrified).

Grade 9 year in high school only helped sink its talons in deeper. I wonder, if it would have been at least a little difficult, I might've tried. Instead, I never did my homework, and I got A's and A+'s on my tests (probably leftover from my good years). I found friends who I actually like and could connect with. But, even now, it's difficult to fully contact someone and speak with them without a filter. Without someone there to step in when I have nothing to say. Perhaps that's why I still hesitate to call those I haven't seen in weeks.

Now I'm in my last year at high school, and I still haven't gotten rid of these procrastination habits that just come naturally now. My guidance councillor says I have avoidance issues. I know I do. Even now, I'm avoiding finishing my chemistry and physics homework by writing this blog. I'm close to failing all my courses and I don't know if I can get it together in time.

The only thing to do now is try. God, I hope it isn't too late.

The Crappy Day

I know. We all get them. Today was just one of the worst. And it was all my fault. I don't know what happened to me today. I just... I don't know.

My friends called it a total breakdown. You know, just one of those things. I think I even went a little hysterical on them for a bit. Thankfully, chocolate slowed me down, even though it may have made me a teensy bit high-strung. You can always count on chocolate to save the day.

I confess, I skipped the entire day. First period, I stood up a friend and a group member who had to present the entire thing by herself, and the other two periods, I probably missed a lab or two (Murphy's Law, much?). I mean, I skipped physics!! I told myself I wasn't going to do that anymore, because skipping even one day of physics is like putting yourself so far behind the class even more than you already are. I should know where this path leads. I fucked up last year, and it was the first time I had to go to summer school--which was such a complete nightmare that I told myself I would never willingly go to summer school again.

My friends told me I had it coming. I mean, I have English, Chemistry, Physics, and Functions in one semester. I'm not Asian. Sometimes I need a break from all this shit. And today I just had to fuck up. Today, when I had a frickin' Functions Test (I once studied for one of them, and I got a 65%!) that I didn't even study for. I don't even know what the fuck the teacher was talking about this past week--how the hell was I going to even get a 30% on the frickin' test? At least, that was my justification when I skipped it. Now I just feel like I'm postponing my doom.

I should've prepared for this eventuality. I thought I could go Asian, and work hard this semester. What a laughable concept. I haven't worked hard since two years ago. I stopped caring two years ago. And now, what the hell am I going to do? Sometimes I just feel like giving up, and going for a repeat year. But if I don't work hard this year, how will I next year?

I've tried to make myself care. I really have. I've looked at people who've dropped out and are working part-time jobs now, and seen how miserable they are now, but... I don't care. I've seen those who work twelve-hour shifts just to scrape by, and I still just fuck up. I've even done a twelve-hour shift, standing the entire fucking time. Granted, it was only for a day, but I still can't bring myself to care. What's wrong with me??

It's funny. I do care, but not about school. I care that I don't care about school. Does that make sense?

Maybe tomorrow, I'll read all this as melodramatic bullshit, and get on with life. With physics. And math. And chemistry and english. Most of the time I just want to rip out the pages of the physics textbook and drop the husk in a nearby river. Maybe even make a hat or two (origami is awesome!). But, other times, very occasionally, I just want to cover it in bronze and stand it up, just because of the fact that I can understand so much now. The world is so cool from a mathematical perspective. Sometimes, I'm amazed I can understand it, and other times I'm so fucking frustrated at its twisted logic.

You know what, direct proportionality and inverse proportionality can go fuck themselves.