Procrastination

This is about a really bad habit of mine. I am a procrastinator.

They say the first step in getting rid of a bad habit is acknowledging it. I've "acknowledged" it since I was in grade 7. It still hasn't gone away. In fact, it's actually gotten worse. So much so to the point that my entire family feels that I need a good kick to get things going.

I used to get really great marks in school, the kind of marks that made everyone think I was one of the smartest in the school. But that was when I was a kid, when the lessons about always doing more than my best on my homework and studying extra before a test were ingrained so deeply into my mind that I didn't even notice it was there. I thought it was natural. But even then, I was chafing against it. (Best word I could use.)

Grade seven was when I finally realized how those habits controlled my life. I was basically a loner, with no social life whatsoever and one measly best friend that I didn't even really like all that much (though I never said it to her face--she was really nice to me). But that was fine. I had my siblings to keep me company (even though they had their own friends to hang out with). The year before, I had won the Academic Award. It was a great accomplishment, and I worked my ass off for it, always asking the teacher how I could improve and such. But, what now? After I had won it, everyone treated me differently. No longer was I the quiet, invisible girl that people never even noticed. I was the person everyone wanted to copy off, while they called me "nerd" to my face. I hated it. Truth was, I loved being a loner. No one annoying bothered me and I was left to my own daydreams. (I wonder if that's what my friends mean when they say I'm out of it sometimes.)

Then I moved to a different school, and no one knew me anymore. I was invisible once again. It was a different sort of school, with a lot more smarter people. I remember getting my first test back and how shocked I was at the low grade. I don't know what happened to me, but I think that was when I stopped caring. After all, I had won the Academic Award, and what had that gotten me? What was the point?

And that's when my bad habit, procrastination, striked. It was creeping up on me the past few years, but my ingrained good habits kept it at bay. No longer. Singlehandedly, I destroyed those good habits that kept me afloat when I stopped caring. I started staying up late to finish last-minute projects, and being satisfied with a C+ (my younger self would have been horrified).

Grade 9 year in high school only helped sink its talons in deeper. I wonder, if it would have been at least a little difficult, I might've tried. Instead, I never did my homework, and I got A's and A+'s on my tests (probably leftover from my good years). I found friends who I actually like and could connect with. But, even now, it's difficult to fully contact someone and speak with them without a filter. Without someone there to step in when I have nothing to say. Perhaps that's why I still hesitate to call those I haven't seen in weeks.

Now I'm in my last year at high school, and I still haven't gotten rid of these procrastination habits that just come naturally now. My guidance councillor says I have avoidance issues. I know I do. Even now, I'm avoiding finishing my chemistry and physics homework by writing this blog. I'm close to failing all my courses and I don't know if I can get it together in time.

The only thing to do now is try. God, I hope it isn't too late.