Skipping

So... yeah. I'm skipping chemistry... again. It's not like the other times I've skipped, though, when I was in grade 10 or 11. That was just impulse. This required heavy decision making on my part. Weighing the pros and the cons. And my avoidance issues playing a heavy part on the pro's of why I shouldn't go to class.
See, I have this major project due today and I didn't even start. I swore to myself that I would start yesterday and stay up all night finishing it. Turns out I can't even do that. I fell asleep at 11:30. Frickin' ELEVEN THIRTY. It couldn't even be AT LEAST 2:00 am. I'm not even capable of staying up until 12.
I swear, I'm so tired everyday. I don't know why, but all I want to do when I come home at 6 is go to sleep. And I don't even like sleep. Actually, now I despise it even more than I did before. It wastes time, and gets in the way of me doing my work (this is me trying to blame anything but myself).
All I can see in the future is this downward spiral that results in me losing everything, getting kicked out, and working full-time at McDonald's. Maybe THEN I'll learn that you need to work hard in life, or you're screwed. But by then it'll be too late.

This is sad. Just plain SAD. Chemistry is the easiest course I have this semester, and I'm screwing it up more than any other course. Maybe I have this sub-conscious habit that, whenever something's easy, I don't even try. I would say I'm doing better in physics than I am in chemistry, because I'm working harder, but I'm not. To both (working harder in physics and doing better). I'm doing better in math (A.K.A. Functions) than I am in chemistry, but that's because I had to fail a few tests for the reality check to happen.

The way this is going, I'm going to have to repeat all my courses this semester. And that's worse than sad.

I wish I could say, like my friend, that fighting gets out all the tension that's been building up inside of me, but it doesn't. It just creates more tension, and ends up in me being more miserable than ever. Whenever I fight with my sister or my brother, the topic of me doing badly in school comes up, with them being the shining example of actually doing their homework, and me never winning the fight afterwards. And then snarky comments ensue after the fight, such as, "At least I do my homework." or "Why am I even talking to you? You don't even do your homework."
Yeah, they're not helping the situation. Because after the fight, rebellious teen that I am, I don't even consider listening to them. Instead, out of pure spite, I decide not to do my homework... for an hour (self-delusion; I'm usually asleep in an hour). This is a classic example of me cutting off my nose to spite my face.
The difference between a full-on fight, and the fight that I have with my sister is that, with a full-on fight, everyone's finished with each other afterwards, and the negative feelings have dissipated. With my sister, however, when she wins the fight (because she always does), she keeps on pushing it in my face. "Yeah, I'm better than you because I do my homework. Because I have better fashion taste. Because I actually do my chores. Because I have to act like the older sibling, even though I'm not..." And it goes on and on. God, I just really hate her competitive streak. It's so fucking annoying. I don't give a shit that you do all that stuff. Just leave me the fuck alone!
And I have to share a room with her, so it's not like I can kick her out of my room.

I just wish I had this room where I could close off everyone, and then maybe I would do something. I need a lock.

Okay. Today's the day when I can catch up. I'll just hand in the project and accept late marks. I'll finish the physics labs that were due more than a month ago, and the ten-page ISU due Monday. I'll finish all my chapter work, and start on my english essay.
[Notice I say this to myself everyday].

The Crappy Day

I know. We all get them. Today was just one of the worst. And it was all my fault. I don't know what happened to me today. I just... I don't know.

My friends called it a total breakdown. You know, just one of those things. I think I even went a little hysterical on them for a bit. Thankfully, chocolate slowed me down, even though it may have made me a teensy bit high-strung. You can always count on chocolate to save the day.

I confess, I skipped the entire day. First period, I stood up a friend and a group member who had to present the entire thing by herself, and the other two periods, I probably missed a lab or two (Murphy's Law, much?). I mean, I skipped physics!! I told myself I wasn't going to do that anymore, because skipping even one day of physics is like putting yourself so far behind the class even more than you already are. I should know where this path leads. I fucked up last year, and it was the first time I had to go to summer school--which was such a complete nightmare that I told myself I would never willingly go to summer school again.

My friends told me I had it coming. I mean, I have English, Chemistry, Physics, and Functions in one semester. I'm not Asian. Sometimes I need a break from all this shit. And today I just had to fuck up. Today, when I had a frickin' Functions Test (I once studied for one of them, and I got a 65%!) that I didn't even study for. I don't even know what the fuck the teacher was talking about this past week--how the hell was I going to even get a 30% on the frickin' test? At least, that was my justification when I skipped it. Now I just feel like I'm postponing my doom.

I should've prepared for this eventuality. I thought I could go Asian, and work hard this semester. What a laughable concept. I haven't worked hard since two years ago. I stopped caring two years ago. And now, what the hell am I going to do? Sometimes I just feel like giving up, and going for a repeat year. But if I don't work hard this year, how will I next year?

I've tried to make myself care. I really have. I've looked at people who've dropped out and are working part-time jobs now, and seen how miserable they are now, but... I don't care. I've seen those who work twelve-hour shifts just to scrape by, and I still just fuck up. I've even done a twelve-hour shift, standing the entire fucking time. Granted, it was only for a day, but I still can't bring myself to care. What's wrong with me??

It's funny. I do care, but not about school. I care that I don't care about school. Does that make sense?

Maybe tomorrow, I'll read all this as melodramatic bullshit, and get on with life. With physics. And math. And chemistry and english. Most of the time I just want to rip out the pages of the physics textbook and drop the husk in a nearby river. Maybe even make a hat or two (origami is awesome!). But, other times, very occasionally, I just want to cover it in bronze and stand it up, just because of the fact that I can understand so much now. The world is so cool from a mathematical perspective. Sometimes, I'm amazed I can understand it, and other times I'm so fucking frustrated at its twisted logic.

You know what, direct proportionality and inverse proportionality can go fuck themselves.