Apathetic...

Oh, God, I've never really been good at these blog entries. You see my past posts, and the thing that pops up the most is "school," one of the most boring topics ever.

Anyway, I honestly don't know why I'm writing this. I've been feeling very... self-destructive lately--and I don't know why. I think stress causes my avoidance habits to rise, ever-increasing, which just makes it worse--until I just stop caring as a safety mechanism.
I've even been avoiding my friends... and I don't know why.
Before, hanging out with them was fun, and I loved the interaction, but now sometimes it's just a chore. There are times when that old feeling of fun and just belonging is back--such as today, at lunch. But I guess my memory is more inclined to remember the other times, when I just felt completely left out, unable to understand the topic what they were talking about, which happens a lot, considering the fact that I wasn't raised with Western culture. I only started immersing myself into it during the late elementary years, despite the fact that I lived in Canada for all of my life (minus three years).
I don't know why I feel like this--I know there will always be topics with which I have no familiarity with, and that my friends probably will.
I'm pretty sure this feeling will pass. Besides, it's only during actual lunch that it happens, which is strange, considering I hang out with my friends after lunch, as well, sometimes. For example, I went to a pool party last Friday and I had a great time--but not so much during Friday lunch. Maybe it's the school atmosphere that's getting to me.
Besides, unlike what my sister said, I don't think we're too polite and frigid with each other (all the while whispering behind each others' backs). We're just... not all that open. I mean, there are things I know I would never tell them (which is becoming less and less), and there are things I know I would never tell my family (but would probably tell my friends). Everyone has personal barriers, and I think we all respect that--nothing more, nothing less. I know when my friends shift the conversation away (sometimes very subtly--I don't know how they do it--do they even notice that they do it?) from something that's very personal--but I respect it, because I know they're not ready to reveal such things--may never be ready to.
It's probably just guilt that's driving me to avoid. Word of advice: Don't take a class with all your friends unless you're willing to come to that class everyday--or else you'll suffer a serious guilt trip, as well as some regret.

And, God, I don't want to mention all the assignments I have piling up on me that are due tomorrow. And one of them is a group assignment, which means I can't just avoid and ignore (my usual tactic--it hasn't been working all that well lately).
Guess I better go back to work now.

This Week

Oh, god, I'm totally stressing.

This week is going to be totally hectic, especially this Friday--which is PROM.
Tomorrow, I have to get a complete wax, wash my hair in preparation for my prom haircut, shave, and get my nails done. And stress. Like CRAZY. All the while biking over to my night school to pick up my report card, biking back, and then packing all my shit away in preparation of the moving truck that's gonna come while I'm out getting my hair done. Oh, and I also have to finish all the work that was due two weeks ago--but that's my own fault.

Then Prom Day comes. I'll have to wake up really early, bus to my haircut place (which is an hour away). Get my hair done, and then... I'm thinking.
I don't know if I should learn how to put on a hijab, because I'm probably going to go for something really fancy and I don't want people on the bus staring, while I go to either Sears, or The Bay, or MAC's, or Sephora, to get one of those free makeovers (if I don't do it myself), and then bus all the way to the hotel and get dressed (hopefully not ruining my haircut on the way). Then wait for the limo to take us to the prom place.
And it doesn't stop there.
AFTER Prom is really hectic, too. After the limo drops us back to the hotel--which is going to be around 1 am--I have to get all my shit ready to go over to my friend's house for a sleepover--basically chocolate ice cream and movies that involve Pirates and Robert Downey Junior (cause they're completely into him right now)--on the bus again.
And I don't know when I'm going to fit in the time to get the giant tub of chocolate ice cream and my sleepover gear over to her place. It'll probably have to be sometime before I go over to the hotel. But I really don't want to have to go here and there, ruining my (probably) $50 haircut.
And then I'll have to wake up pretty early, too, around nine, to get to the library in time for the book sale that starts at 10:30 am. After which I'll have to bus to my old place and wait with my sister while my mom gets ready to pick us up to go over to the new place, where we'll spend the entire day cleaning and unpacking.

Yup, this week's going to be anything BUT boring. And now I'm stressing again. >.<

Bored...

I'm borrreeeddd....

I really don't want to start on packing, or all the homework that was due last week, so I think I'll just write (although I should be writing in my Writer's Craft journal--in which I'm a month behind).

Anyway... Things that have happened.

• Prom is this Friday (not today, next Friday)--and, guess what? I got my dress!! Finally!! And it's gorgeous. :D I'm so happy. (Psst... Don't tell anyone, but it was donated to the school, so I got it for free. Officially, it was extremely expensive, and I got it at a small boutique downtown.)
  
• A friend recently got back from what was supposed to be a long stay. I'm sad that it didn't work out, but I'm glad she's back. Hopefully, next time she travels, we'll be there and then we'll all have fun together (no matter how much in debt we may be from school).
• They started selling these gigantic ice cream drumsticks at Shopper's for only four dollars! Completely awesome. ♥
• So, I'm moving on the same day as Prom. That means that, while I'm getting my hair and makeup done, my family will be packing and moving all the big furniture, and then when I sleep over at a friend's house in the after-party, I'll have to bus and take two stations to my new place, instead of going back to my old one. A little weird, no?
• Starbucks and Pizza-Pizza have Wi-Fi! I'm starting to carry my PSP around everywhere now. Now, if only Timmies did, as well...
  
• I'm the only Programmer for my robotics group in computer engineering class. That means that I have to do all the coding (whether it'll be controlled by remote, or just autopilot) while the guys build the robot. Oh, and the other girl in my group's doing nothing. Just watching. I started subtly hinting that she actually WORK and she just brushed it off with a "No, it's fine. I think you guys all have it under control." Cue the mental rant.
  No, it's not fucking fine, bitch! Why don't you actually do some work around here? You see us working our asses off (I actually had to help build a bit--which I'm not supposed to do, as I'm the programmer) so why don't you get your lazy butt in gear, too? I mean, honestly. We also have to do a daily log. I hinted that why doesn't she do that, at least, and she came up with some bullshit that she couldn't log onto the online wiki. Well, fucking do something about that!
  *Deep breaths* Okay, I just needed to get that out of my system. I seriously don't know why she's not doing anything. She seemed like a very nice, studious person. And it's only in group work that I require people (including me) to do work, because it's not only your mark, it's everyone else's too. In individual work, I honestly don't give a shit. That's why I'm so behind on a lot of assignments. I really need to catch up.
• I recently signed up for this anti-plagiarizing community on LiveJournal, where everyone posts their stories, requiring that I not be a "silent reader" and actually critique at least two stories a month, or I'm kicked out. Yeah. I need to get started on that, too--if I can actually find a story that someone hasn't already reviewed, and gave all the points that I thought of.
• One thing I actually started on is this minimum 30k-word story that my friend drafted everyone for that's supposed to be finished by her birthday (this August). She thinks we can all be as good a writer as her, if we just try (wishful thinking, IMO--she's amazing). I started on the basic plot and character outline, and I think I may actually be able to complete at least 10k by August (fingers crossed--hopefully, she won't be too disappointed).
• Night school Advanced Functions is officially done! I just did my exam yesterday--and it was pretty easy, at least, compared to my day school exam that I completely failed. Now I just have to show up for the next two days (day one's exam review, where we look over our marks, and day two, we pick up our report card). That was my only exam for Semester 2. Now it's just summatives (year-end projects that replace exams).
  

I'm feeling very bipolar today. I think I'm PMSing. Two of my friends already got it, so I know they're going to give it to me, too. I keep hearing that people who are in constant contact with one another always get it around the same time. And it has happened before--a lot, actually. I remember one time when I got it a day after my friend, and then my sister got it a day after me.
The first day is always the worst--and when I feel the most effects. One minute I'm smiling at strangers, and another minute I'm bitching to my friends, irritated at the slightest things, and another minute, I feel so completely lethargic that I just fall asleep in class. Not to mention the fact that it fucking hurts like hell (imagine getting it during an exam--yeah, that'll definitely throw off your concentration).
At least, on the bright side, I won't have it during prom. :D

MARCH BREAK!! :D :D :D

Yeah, you can see how excited I am about it. :D

Anyway, so... I got my short story back from my Writer's Craft teacher, and apparently it's not "realistic" if a girl doesn't care that her fiance's disappeared for a month. Who knew?

And, guess what? I'm moving!! YEAH!! Not that I don't like this home, or anything, it's just that I GET TO HAVE MY OWN ROOM!! I'm so excited!
Originally, it was going to be in the basement, but apparently, I'll hole up in there and live like a hermit if I'm ever allowed down there (especially if I get my own Netbook). So, I get an upstairs room. :D

So, I was reading on my PSP when it just turned off. o.0 It's never done that before. I decided to research my PSP's battery life span, and... got nothing.
But I found out that Sony's going to release an awesome new PSP this December!! It's called the "Next Generation Portable."
And I'll get to play Uncharted on it!! I LOVE Uncharted! I even downloaded the soundtrack. :P
Maybe I'll even get to play Assassin's Creed. I really hope so. I love Assassin's Creed, especially when they came out with that crossbow. It was like, "Oh, that guard's suspicious," *whip out crossbow* "Not anymore." Before, I had to use throwing knives. But, personally, I'm a fan of jumping off the ledge and striking them from the air. :P
I heard the next one is with a girl Assassin. I really hope so. That would be totally cool.
My brother's playing Red Dead Redemption right now, but I think I'll be able to take a go at it during the Break. It looks like fun.
I'll probably have a job by then, so I'm going to buy the NGP the first month it comes out.

Anyway, I've made a list of all the things I'm going to do this week (which, despite my procrastinating tendencies, I hopefully will get to):

1. Finish editing short story.
2. Write in journal everyday.
3. Finish that Fictionpress story I started in Grade 9 (and never even got to 5000 words, despite all my reviewers' efforts).
4. PAINT!! (I bought a paint set from Dollarama and I'm going to paint my wooden box that I keep all my special coins in).
5. Buy fancy stationary.
6. Practice different methods of writing.
7. Finish all my Java programs (especially that String game that was supposed to be an archaic sort of Hangman).
8. Finish up to Chapter 3 in my Advanced Functions homework (Night school is amazing--I didn't do any homework and I'm getting a 98).
9. Apply for jobs (summer, now, whatever)***(COMPLETE MUST)
   

And, if I think of anything else, I'll add to it.

So... yeah. This feels more like my friend's (I'll call her ARR) post more than anything.
I know it's completely unusual for me to write in this style, but... I think I like it.
It's refreshing. :D

Weird Shit

Okay, you know what... I'll start with the beginning.

My friends say that I'm a bit too trusting.

Last summer, I had a biking accident where I sprained (or fractured--I'm not really sure) my elbow. So it was pretty difficult to lift my bike into an upright position when my elbow was screaming in pain (I couldn't move my arm at all), and I was bleeding from a small injury on my head, and wrist, as well as the scrapes on my arms that came from contact with the cement. A piece of my tooth had also broken off.
This nice guy driving by offered to take me to the hospital and have me checked out, and drive my bike there, as well. He was a stranger. But he was nice, so I accepted.
I know what you're thinking, but it didn't happen.
He drove me to the hospital (and then drove off).
The end.

So, when I told my friends this story of how I came to have a cast (that they all signed), they were all (naturally) horrified. I promised them that I would never get into another stranger's car willingly again.
(I didn't tell them of the other time, before the hospital--but he was nice, too).

Then, yesterday, it happened again, when I was coming home from night school.
So I was standing there at the bus stop, all by myself, waiting (for what seemed like hours) for the bus, at 10:30 in the night, when this guy drives by. He sees me waiting, and says (approximately--I don't have photographic memory), "Hey, I'm going the same way. Do you want a ride?"
So, remembering the promise I made to my friends, I declined. He asked me if I was sure, 'cause it was a free ride.
Now, here's the thing. He wasn't driving an ordinary car. It was a rental limousine. He looked like he rented the limousine all the time. I had to decline again, but, all the while, I was thinking, "I could be riding in a limousine! For free!"
Sigh. So he drove off when the light went green--and I didn't get to ride in a limousine.

This is the third time it happened! I don't know what is going on, but it's weird. Do guys just do that all the time? "Oh, look, there's some helpless-looking female. I think I'll go see if she needs my help--for free."
I know my friend has sort of the same problem (what with guys accosting her on the streets all the time), but I thought that was just an anomaly. It doesn't happen to normal girls, does it?

I don't know why this is happening... I don't want to say all the time, because it isn't, so I'll say, at a frequent occurance (relatively).
But it's cool. :D
And harmless--so long as I decline.

Changes

This semester, for me, is just one of the many changes that have happened since 2011.
It's the first ever semester I've had without math and the sciences. And, GOD, it feels like such a relief. Let me put it this way:
Last year, first semester, I had chemistry and biology. Second semester (the start of the shittiest year of my life), I had physics and math. Then, after I failed physics and barely passed math, I had to take physics AGAIN in summer school. Then I had it first semester, grade 12. A month had barely passed before I had it again, determined not to fail this time. Well, I didn't. I barely passed, with the skin of my teeth (whatever that expression means), and got a perfect 50.
It's just... It feels like it's been FOREVER since I haven't had physics in my life. Maybe that's why it just put me in such a depressing mood.
This semester, second semester, and the start of 2011, it's been SO refreshing, only having to worry about English and computer languages and hardware (which is so completely easy I usually never have homework).
And, I think this is a good omen. It means that 2011 will be a good year (provided I don't fuck up again).

But it's not just school. There's been a lot of changes happening between friends and family. I know a lot of families (including mine) are anxious to kick us out to live in dorms (or on the streets--for some, it really doesn't matter).
My friends have been deciding whether to stick around high school for another grueling year, doing co-op and extra courses, or repeating courses.
This isn't about school. It's about life. It's about how many changes happen to an eighteen-year-old, and how scary all of it is.
For me, I see university as this huge, dark, old brick-by-brick building looming over me, as I hear an evil cackle in the distance, and the skeleton of the trees shiver as thunder roars through the sky. Sorry, Writer's Craft is getting to me.
It's just very dark, and looming, and omnipresent. As if I can't escape its fate.
And this analogy isn't just for university. It can also be applied to my future relationship with my friends (what with all that's happening) and just life in general.
I hope it turns out to be the opposite. I hope University, and my future career (and my friends') and my relationship with my family (which has taken a huge trip spiraling downwards--perhaps because of my antsy feeling that I need to GET OUT) will turn out for the better.
With my family, I'm going to try and see if distance will better the relationship--which is the exact opposite for my friends. I know the distance between me and my friends won't better our relationship--but, perhaps, it may give us time to think and relax, without all the pressures that friendship requires. And then, when we're ready to talk, and read the letters that come pouring from all sorts of places (Windsor, Nigeria, Canada...), we may be able to improve the bond, and/or just reflect on it.
I hope this year gives us time to relax , reflect, and just... improve us in the end.

V-Day

Okay, a lot has happened the past few month (and weeks).

Last weekend, my friends and I went over to our friend's birthday party, to just have fun. It was that night that I realized how different we all were. I mean, everyone had different interests, and just different lives, in general. It seemed as if we just couldn't find a topic that we could all relate to.
For example, I really wanted to talk to my friends a lot about what's been happening at school, and how one of my favourite courses, Writer's Craft was going. But then, I realized that some people were out of school, and they may be sensitive about that particular subject. So then I just stayed quiet, thinking of a lot of things to say, but unable to say them.
It's our last year in high school, so everyone is just... branching off in different directions. People are leaving, some are staying behind, and some... I don't what's going to happen.

We're lucky that we've known each other for a long time, enough that our friendship may be able to survive the long gaps of time in between. It's just going to be difficult (more so for some than for others) to retain that bond we had since grade 9, what with everyone just... going away.



On another note, today's Valentine's Day. Also called SAD (Single's-Awareness Day).

I just don't understand the judgment that people do to single people. I mean, there's that old saying that, even if a person is rich and healthy, and has great friends, he/she is going to die lonely because he/she's single.

It just doesn't make sense.

The (let's go with female for now) girl's sexy, independant, has a great career and awesome friends, and people think she's going to be a miserable old lady. I prefer to think that my friends will always be there for me--that my friends will be my family, and that's enough for me. I really don't want children, or a husband. I know for a fact that I'd be a horrible, careless mother--and not wanting to die alone is not a good enough reason for me to suffer through having 2.5 children, and being a soccer mom. God, that is my worst nightmare.

The divorce rate in North America is so high because of the stigma associated to being single. It's as if the married people want everyone to be miserable too. Misery loves company.

It's a fact that single people are at least three times more wealthy than their married counterparts.

I mean, I don't want to never have a relationship. Of course I want to experience something like that. And maybe I'll meet someone who I can actually stand to live with.
But, I don't want to marry just because I'm getting too old, or just because I'm "lonely."

Anyway, maybe it's just the bitterness of the modern century that makes me feel this way. The fact that today's my birthday doesn't help, either. You'd think I'd grow up to be some sickeningly sweet romantic or some such.
Thank God I'm not.