Oh, God, I've never really been good at these blog entries. You see my past posts, and the thing that pops up the most is "school," one of the most boring topics ever.
Anyway, I honestly don't know why I'm writing this. I've been feeling very... self-destructive lately--and I don't know why. I think stress causes my avoidance habits to rise, ever-increasing, which just makes it worse--until I just stop caring as a safety mechanism.
I've even been avoiding my friends... and I don't know why.
Before, hanging out with them was fun, and I loved the interaction, but now sometimes it's just a chore. There are times when that old feeling of fun and just belonging is back--such as today, at lunch. But I guess my memory is more inclined to remember the other times, when I just felt completely left out, unable to understand the topic what they were talking about, which happens a lot, considering the fact that I wasn't raised with Western culture. I only started immersing myself into it during the late elementary years, despite the fact that I lived in Canada for all of my life (minus three years).
I don't know why I feel like this--I know there will always be topics with which I have no familiarity with, and that my friends probably will.
I'm pretty sure this feeling will pass. Besides, it's only during actual lunch that it happens, which is strange, considering I hang out with my friends after lunch, as well, sometimes. For example, I went to a pool party last Friday and I had a great time--but not so much during Friday lunch. Maybe it's the school atmosphere that's getting to me.
Besides, unlike what my sister said, I don't think we're too polite and frigid with each other (all the while whispering behind each others' backs). We're just... not all that open. I mean, there are things I know I would never tell them (which is becoming less and less), and there are things I know I would never tell my family (but would probably tell my friends). Everyone has personal barriers, and I think we all respect that--nothing more, nothing less. I know when my friends shift the conversation away (sometimes very subtly--I don't know how they do it--do they even notice that they do it?) from something that's very personal--but I respect it, because I know they're not ready to reveal such things--may never be ready to.
It's probably just guilt that's driving me to avoid. Word of advice: Don't take a class with all your friends unless you're willing to come to that class everyday--or else you'll suffer a serious guilt trip, as well as some regret.
And, God, I don't want to mention all the assignments I have piling up on me that are due tomorrow. And one of them is a group assignment, which means I can't just avoid and ignore (my usual tactic--it hasn't been working all that well lately).
Guess I better go back to work now.
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