V-Day

Okay, a lot has happened the past few month (and weeks).

Last weekend, my friends and I went over to our friend's birthday party, to just have fun. It was that night that I realized how different we all were. I mean, everyone had different interests, and just different lives, in general. It seemed as if we just couldn't find a topic that we could all relate to.
For example, I really wanted to talk to my friends a lot about what's been happening at school, and how one of my favourite courses, Writer's Craft was going. But then, I realized that some people were out of school, and they may be sensitive about that particular subject. So then I just stayed quiet, thinking of a lot of things to say, but unable to say them.
It's our last year in high school, so everyone is just... branching off in different directions. People are leaving, some are staying behind, and some... I don't what's going to happen.

We're lucky that we've known each other for a long time, enough that our friendship may be able to survive the long gaps of time in between. It's just going to be difficult (more so for some than for others) to retain that bond we had since grade 9, what with everyone just... going away.



On another note, today's Valentine's Day. Also called SAD (Single's-Awareness Day).

I just don't understand the judgment that people do to single people. I mean, there's that old saying that, even if a person is rich and healthy, and has great friends, he/she is going to die lonely because he/she's single.

It just doesn't make sense.

The (let's go with female for now) girl's sexy, independant, has a great career and awesome friends, and people think she's going to be a miserable old lady. I prefer to think that my friends will always be there for me--that my friends will be my family, and that's enough for me. I really don't want children, or a husband. I know for a fact that I'd be a horrible, careless mother--and not wanting to die alone is not a good enough reason for me to suffer through having 2.5 children, and being a soccer mom. God, that is my worst nightmare.

The divorce rate in North America is so high because of the stigma associated to being single. It's as if the married people want everyone to be miserable too. Misery loves company.

It's a fact that single people are at least three times more wealthy than their married counterparts.

I mean, I don't want to never have a relationship. Of course I want to experience something like that. And maybe I'll meet someone who I can actually stand to live with.
But, I don't want to marry just because I'm getting too old, or just because I'm "lonely."

Anyway, maybe it's just the bitterness of the modern century that makes me feel this way. The fact that today's my birthday doesn't help, either. You'd think I'd grow up to be some sickeningly sweet romantic or some such.
Thank God I'm not.

Holidays

You know, when I think about it, I haven't done anything (except sleep and read--found some new and totally awesome authors!) the past week. Now I have less than a week to review for the exams.
Someone shoot me now.

This week is going to be crazy. I'll probably be studying 12 hours a day, just to catch up. And I still have 5 physics labs to finish by the end of the Holidays.

But, you know what, if I finish studying early, I can do something resourceful in my own time--something that won't simply waste time--like crafts, or applying for a job. I have this wooden box that I put my coin collection in, but I have yet to paint it. It was something I was going to do over the Holidays, but more than a week's done, and I still haven't started.

I just need to start studying, and then I'll have the free time to do a lot of things.

Shopping

God, my feet hurt.

Yesterday, I went shopping (it was Boxing Day) to get all the stuff that I needed, and it took FOREVER. The mall was completely packed, with everyone rushing here and there.

But, god, I feel so good now. I have everything I need, and I don't need to go back to some store for more stuff. Just the thought of it makes my feet scream.
I got a bunch of new sweaters and long-sleeved shirts, four jeans, two strapless bras, two pajama sets, three games for my PSP, two books, a few undershirts (without lace, for once), some headbands, bracelets, necklaces, scarves, and... yeah. I have new clothes! I feel like shouting it out to the world. It's been forever since I completely blew more than $100 on clothes.
And the best part is, I got my semi-formal dress!! It's so pretty, and completely black. I would wear it for prom, but apparently it's not--to use my sister's phrase--fancy, or expensive enough.

I'm so cheap, but I'm glad I didn't spend over $250. It was very close though. I can't wait to show off my new clothes.

Shopping takes forever. I remember waking up early in the morning and going at 10 am, and then coming home at 10 pm. Twelve hours--walking. No wonder my feet feel like crying.

But it was totally worth it.

Skipping

So... yeah. I'm skipping chemistry... again. It's not like the other times I've skipped, though, when I was in grade 10 or 11. That was just impulse. This required heavy decision making on my part. Weighing the pros and the cons. And my avoidance issues playing a heavy part on the pro's of why I shouldn't go to class.
See, I have this major project due today and I didn't even start. I swore to myself that I would start yesterday and stay up all night finishing it. Turns out I can't even do that. I fell asleep at 11:30. Frickin' ELEVEN THIRTY. It couldn't even be AT LEAST 2:00 am. I'm not even capable of staying up until 12.
I swear, I'm so tired everyday. I don't know why, but all I want to do when I come home at 6 is go to sleep. And I don't even like sleep. Actually, now I despise it even more than I did before. It wastes time, and gets in the way of me doing my work (this is me trying to blame anything but myself).
All I can see in the future is this downward spiral that results in me losing everything, getting kicked out, and working full-time at McDonald's. Maybe THEN I'll learn that you need to work hard in life, or you're screwed. But by then it'll be too late.

This is sad. Just plain SAD. Chemistry is the easiest course I have this semester, and I'm screwing it up more than any other course. Maybe I have this sub-conscious habit that, whenever something's easy, I don't even try. I would say I'm doing better in physics than I am in chemistry, because I'm working harder, but I'm not. To both (working harder in physics and doing better). I'm doing better in math (A.K.A. Functions) than I am in chemistry, but that's because I had to fail a few tests for the reality check to happen.

The way this is going, I'm going to have to repeat all my courses this semester. And that's worse than sad.

I wish I could say, like my friend, that fighting gets out all the tension that's been building up inside of me, but it doesn't. It just creates more tension, and ends up in me being more miserable than ever. Whenever I fight with my sister or my brother, the topic of me doing badly in school comes up, with them being the shining example of actually doing their homework, and me never winning the fight afterwards. And then snarky comments ensue after the fight, such as, "At least I do my homework." or "Why am I even talking to you? You don't even do your homework."
Yeah, they're not helping the situation. Because after the fight, rebellious teen that I am, I don't even consider listening to them. Instead, out of pure spite, I decide not to do my homework... for an hour (self-delusion; I'm usually asleep in an hour). This is a classic example of me cutting off my nose to spite my face.
The difference between a full-on fight, and the fight that I have with my sister is that, with a full-on fight, everyone's finished with each other afterwards, and the negative feelings have dissipated. With my sister, however, when she wins the fight (because she always does), she keeps on pushing it in my face. "Yeah, I'm better than you because I do my homework. Because I have better fashion taste. Because I actually do my chores. Because I have to act like the older sibling, even though I'm not..." And it goes on and on. God, I just really hate her competitive streak. It's so fucking annoying. I don't give a shit that you do all that stuff. Just leave me the fuck alone!
And I have to share a room with her, so it's not like I can kick her out of my room.

I just wish I had this room where I could close off everyone, and then maybe I would do something. I need a lock.

Okay. Today's the day when I can catch up. I'll just hand in the project and accept late marks. I'll finish the physics labs that were due more than a month ago, and the ten-page ISU due Monday. I'll finish all my chapter work, and start on my english essay.
[Notice I say this to myself everyday].

Procrastination

This is about a really bad habit of mine. I am a procrastinator.

They say the first step in getting rid of a bad habit is acknowledging it. I've "acknowledged" it since I was in grade 7. It still hasn't gone away. In fact, it's actually gotten worse. So much so to the point that my entire family feels that I need a good kick to get things going.

I used to get really great marks in school, the kind of marks that made everyone think I was one of the smartest in the school. But that was when I was a kid, when the lessons about always doing more than my best on my homework and studying extra before a test were ingrained so deeply into my mind that I didn't even notice it was there. I thought it was natural. But even then, I was chafing against it. (Best word I could use.)

Grade seven was when I finally realized how those habits controlled my life. I was basically a loner, with no social life whatsoever and one measly best friend that I didn't even really like all that much (though I never said it to her face--she was really nice to me). But that was fine. I had my siblings to keep me company (even though they had their own friends to hang out with). The year before, I had won the Academic Award. It was a great accomplishment, and I worked my ass off for it, always asking the teacher how I could improve and such. But, what now? After I had won it, everyone treated me differently. No longer was I the quiet, invisible girl that people never even noticed. I was the person everyone wanted to copy off, while they called me "nerd" to my face. I hated it. Truth was, I loved being a loner. No one annoying bothered me and I was left to my own daydreams. (I wonder if that's what my friends mean when they say I'm out of it sometimes.)

Then I moved to a different school, and no one knew me anymore. I was invisible once again. It was a different sort of school, with a lot more smarter people. I remember getting my first test back and how shocked I was at the low grade. I don't know what happened to me, but I think that was when I stopped caring. After all, I had won the Academic Award, and what had that gotten me? What was the point?

And that's when my bad habit, procrastination, striked. It was creeping up on me the past few years, but my ingrained good habits kept it at bay. No longer. Singlehandedly, I destroyed those good habits that kept me afloat when I stopped caring. I started staying up late to finish last-minute projects, and being satisfied with a C+ (my younger self would have been horrified).

Grade 9 year in high school only helped sink its talons in deeper. I wonder, if it would have been at least a little difficult, I might've tried. Instead, I never did my homework, and I got A's and A+'s on my tests (probably leftover from my good years). I found friends who I actually like and could connect with. But, even now, it's difficult to fully contact someone and speak with them without a filter. Without someone there to step in when I have nothing to say. Perhaps that's why I still hesitate to call those I haven't seen in weeks.

Now I'm in my last year at high school, and I still haven't gotten rid of these procrastination habits that just come naturally now. My guidance councillor says I have avoidance issues. I know I do. Even now, I'm avoiding finishing my chemistry and physics homework by writing this blog. I'm close to failing all my courses and I don't know if I can get it together in time.

The only thing to do now is try. God, I hope it isn't too late.

The Night

Have you ever noticed?

The night has a beauty that the day can never have. I realized this as I was walking home. I mean, the sky was cloudy, but, as I looked up, the moon was glowing bright in the night. Perhaps it's merely the glow of the city lights that make me say this (city girl that I am), but, honestly, the darkness doesn't frighten me. It's beautiful and enchanting in its own way.

I mean, I've been to areas where there aren't any streetlights, and there's only the glow of the moon to help you navigate (no stars because of light pollution) and, although it is very intimidating and frightening, it's not because of the darkness. It's because of what the darkness causes. People are the real monsters, and the darkness is just a chance for their true selves to come out without fear of anyone recognizing them, and, consequently, without fear of punishment.

The darkness will always be there--it's a part of nature. But it's not bad, or evil. It simply is. And, in its own way, it has a very abstract type of beauty, with shades of grey here and there in my grainy vision and a far off light glowing intensely against the dark. When everything around you is in shades of dark blue or dark green, or pure unrelieved black, it creates a very fascinating environment.

I was recently in this area where all the streetlights were very far away, yet still managed to somewhat light up my path, and there were plants and tall grass going up as far as my shoulders. Naturally, I was on a mud path that had cleared up most of the plants in its way, and, as I looked around, it was awe-inspiring. There were so many different shades of darkness, and, honestly, for a second, I just stood there, looking around, before hightailing it out of there. I mean, seriously, there were plants taller than me. Who knew what kind of pervert could be hiding behind them?

Everyone has a fascination with the night, even though some wouldn't like to admit it. Why else are there such things as night clubs and bars? In the day, everyone just goes to work, and the night's when it's really time to have fun.
In my estimation, the day doesn't compare with the night. I imagine the day as this happy-go-lucky golden retriever puppy that's cute, and heartwarming, but not really all that interesting. The night, on the other hand, is this black jaguar that's beautiful and fascinating, but come into too often contact with it, can be deadly.

Maybe it's just me. My friends say I'm fascinated by the simplest of things, but how can I not be? To borrow Sarah McLachlan's phrase, everyday is an ordinary miracle.

When I was walking home today, I was scared, but I was also awed at the difference between the night and the day.
Despite how many friends I have, I'm not much of a social person. I don't naturally like to hang around a bunch of people all the time. My friends are a wholly different scenario. Even so, I like to have my share of "alone time," which, for me, is as necessary as breathing. What I like about the night is that it has a far less number of people walking around than in the daytime. I can simply do whatever I wish when I'm walking home, and no one will be there to complain. Usually, I just belt out (off-key) the lyrics of whatever song I'm listening to on my mp3 player.

That's what I love about the night.
Its beauty, its simplicity, and the fact that no one's there to make you feel embarrassed.

The Crappy Day

I know. We all get them. Today was just one of the worst. And it was all my fault. I don't know what happened to me today. I just... I don't know.

My friends called it a total breakdown. You know, just one of those things. I think I even went a little hysterical on them for a bit. Thankfully, chocolate slowed me down, even though it may have made me a teensy bit high-strung. You can always count on chocolate to save the day.

I confess, I skipped the entire day. First period, I stood up a friend and a group member who had to present the entire thing by herself, and the other two periods, I probably missed a lab or two (Murphy's Law, much?). I mean, I skipped physics!! I told myself I wasn't going to do that anymore, because skipping even one day of physics is like putting yourself so far behind the class even more than you already are. I should know where this path leads. I fucked up last year, and it was the first time I had to go to summer school--which was such a complete nightmare that I told myself I would never willingly go to summer school again.

My friends told me I had it coming. I mean, I have English, Chemistry, Physics, and Functions in one semester. I'm not Asian. Sometimes I need a break from all this shit. And today I just had to fuck up. Today, when I had a frickin' Functions Test (I once studied for one of them, and I got a 65%!) that I didn't even study for. I don't even know what the fuck the teacher was talking about this past week--how the hell was I going to even get a 30% on the frickin' test? At least, that was my justification when I skipped it. Now I just feel like I'm postponing my doom.

I should've prepared for this eventuality. I thought I could go Asian, and work hard this semester. What a laughable concept. I haven't worked hard since two years ago. I stopped caring two years ago. And now, what the hell am I going to do? Sometimes I just feel like giving up, and going for a repeat year. But if I don't work hard this year, how will I next year?

I've tried to make myself care. I really have. I've looked at people who've dropped out and are working part-time jobs now, and seen how miserable they are now, but... I don't care. I've seen those who work twelve-hour shifts just to scrape by, and I still just fuck up. I've even done a twelve-hour shift, standing the entire fucking time. Granted, it was only for a day, but I still can't bring myself to care. What's wrong with me??

It's funny. I do care, but not about school. I care that I don't care about school. Does that make sense?

Maybe tomorrow, I'll read all this as melodramatic bullshit, and get on with life. With physics. And math. And chemistry and english. Most of the time I just want to rip out the pages of the physics textbook and drop the husk in a nearby river. Maybe even make a hat or two (origami is awesome!). But, other times, very occasionally, I just want to cover it in bronze and stand it up, just because of the fact that I can understand so much now. The world is so cool from a mathematical perspective. Sometimes, I'm amazed I can understand it, and other times I'm so fucking frustrated at its twisted logic.

You know what, direct proportionality and inverse proportionality can go fuck themselves.