You know, when I think about it, I haven't done anything (except sleep and read--found some new and totally awesome authors!) the past week. Now I have less than a week to review for the exams.
Someone shoot me now.
This week is going to be crazy. I'll probably be studying 12 hours a day, just to catch up. And I still have 5 physics labs to finish by the end of the Holidays.
But, you know what, if I finish studying early, I can do something resourceful in my own time--something that won't simply waste time--like crafts, or applying for a job. I have this wooden box that I put my coin collection in, but I have yet to paint it. It was something I was going to do over the Holidays, but more than a week's done, and I still haven't started.
I just need to start studying, and then I'll have the free time to do a lot of things.
Monday 27 December 2010
Shopping
God, my feet hurt.
Yesterday, I went shopping (it was Boxing Day) to get all the stuff that I needed, and it took FOREVER. The mall was completely packed, with everyone rushing here and there.
But, god, I feel so good now. I have everything I need, and I don't need to go back to some store for more stuff. Just the thought of it makes my feet scream.
I got a bunch of new sweaters and long-sleeved shirts, four jeans, two strapless bras, two pajama sets, three games for my PSP, two books, a few undershirts (without lace, for once), some headbands, bracelets, necklaces, scarves, and... yeah. I have new clothes! I feel like shouting it out to the world. It's been forever since I completely blew more than $100 on clothes.
And the best part is, I got my semi-formal dress!! It's so pretty, and completely black. I would wear it for prom, but apparently it's not--to use my sister's phrase--fancy, or expensive enough.
I'm so cheap, but I'm glad I didn't spend over $250. It was very close though. I can't wait to show off my new clothes.
Shopping takes forever. I remember waking up early in the morning and going at 10 am, and then coming home at 10 pm. Twelve hours--walking. No wonder my feet feel like crying.
But it was totally worth it.
Yesterday, I went shopping (it was Boxing Day) to get all the stuff that I needed, and it took FOREVER. The mall was completely packed, with everyone rushing here and there.
But, god, I feel so good now. I have everything I need, and I don't need to go back to some store for more stuff. Just the thought of it makes my feet scream.
I got a bunch of new sweaters and long-sleeved shirts, four jeans, two strapless bras, two pajama sets, three games for my PSP, two books, a few undershirts (without lace, for once), some headbands, bracelets, necklaces, scarves, and... yeah. I have new clothes! I feel like shouting it out to the world. It's been forever since I completely blew more than $100 on clothes.
And the best part is, I got my semi-formal dress!! It's so pretty, and completely black. I would wear it for prom, but apparently it's not--to use my sister's phrase--fancy, or expensive enough.
I'm so cheap, but I'm glad I didn't spend over $250. It was very close though. I can't wait to show off my new clothes.
Shopping takes forever. I remember waking up early in the morning and going at 10 am, and then coming home at 10 pm. Twelve hours--walking. No wonder my feet feel like crying.
But it was totally worth it.
Thursday 9 December 2010
Skipping
So... yeah. I'm skipping chemistry... again. It's not like the other times I've skipped, though, when I was in grade 10 or 11. That was just impulse. This required heavy decision making on my part. Weighing the pros and the cons. And my avoidance issues playing a heavy part on the pro's of why I shouldn't go to class.
See, I have this major project due today and I didn't even start. I swore to myself that I would start yesterday and stay up all night finishing it. Turns out I can't even do that. I fell asleep at 11:30. Frickin' ELEVEN THIRTY. It couldn't even be AT LEAST 2:00 am. I'm not even capable of staying up until 12.
I swear, I'm so tired everyday. I don't know why, but all I want to do when I come home at 6 is go to sleep. And I don't even like sleep. Actually, now I despise it even more than I did before. It wastes time, and gets in the way of me doing my work (this is me trying to blame anything but myself).
All I can see in the future is this downward spiral that results in me losing everything, getting kicked out, and working full-time at McDonald's. Maybe THEN I'll learn that you need to work hard in life, or you're screwed. But by then it'll be too late.
This is sad. Just plain SAD. Chemistry is the easiest course I have this semester, and I'm screwing it up more than any other course. Maybe I have this sub-conscious habit that, whenever something's easy, I don't even try. I would say I'm doing better in physics than I am in chemistry, because I'm working harder, but I'm not. To both (working harder in physics and doing better). I'm doing better in math (A.K.A. Functions) than I am in chemistry, but that's because I had to fail a few tests for the reality check to happen.
The way this is going, I'm going to have to repeat all my courses this semester. And that's worse than sad.
I wish I could say, like my friend, that fighting gets out all the tension that's been building up inside of me, but it doesn't. It just creates more tension, and ends up in me being more miserable than ever. Whenever I fight with my sister or my brother, the topic of me doing badly in school comes up, with them being the shining example of actually doing their homework, and me never winning the fight afterwards. And then snarky comments ensue after the fight, such as, "At least I do my homework." or "Why am I even talking to you? You don't even do your homework."
Yeah, they're not helping the situation. Because after the fight, rebellious teen that I am, I don't even consider listening to them. Instead, out of pure spite, I decide not to do my homework... for an hour (self-delusion; I'm usually asleep in an hour). This is a classic example of me cutting off my nose to spite my face.
The difference between a full-on fight, and the fight that I have with my sister is that, with a full-on fight, everyone's finished with each other afterwards, and the negative feelings have dissipated. With my sister, however, when she wins the fight (because she always does), she keeps on pushing it in my face. "Yeah, I'm better than you because I do my homework. Because I have better fashion taste. Because I actually do my chores. Because I have to act like the older sibling, even though I'm not..." And it goes on and on. God, I just really hate her competitive streak. It's so fucking annoying. I don't give a shit that you do all that stuff. Just leave me the fuck alone!
And I have to share a room with her, so it's not like I can kick her out of my room.
I just wish I had this room where I could close off everyone, and then maybe I would do something. I need a lock.
Okay. Today's the day when I can catch up. I'll just hand in the project and accept late marks. I'll finish the physics labs that were due more than a month ago, and the ten-page ISU due Monday. I'll finish all my chapter work, and start on my english essay.
[Notice I say this to myself everyday].
See, I have this major project due today and I didn't even start. I swore to myself that I would start yesterday and stay up all night finishing it. Turns out I can't even do that. I fell asleep at 11:30. Frickin' ELEVEN THIRTY. It couldn't even be AT LEAST 2:00 am. I'm not even capable of staying up until 12.
I swear, I'm so tired everyday. I don't know why, but all I want to do when I come home at 6 is go to sleep. And I don't even like sleep. Actually, now I despise it even more than I did before. It wastes time, and gets in the way of me doing my work (this is me trying to blame anything but myself).
All I can see in the future is this downward spiral that results in me losing everything, getting kicked out, and working full-time at McDonald's. Maybe THEN I'll learn that you need to work hard in life, or you're screwed. But by then it'll be too late.
This is sad. Just plain SAD. Chemistry is the easiest course I have this semester, and I'm screwing it up more than any other course. Maybe I have this sub-conscious habit that, whenever something's easy, I don't even try. I would say I'm doing better in physics than I am in chemistry, because I'm working harder, but I'm not. To both (working harder in physics and doing better). I'm doing better in math (A.K.A. Functions) than I am in chemistry, but that's because I had to fail a few tests for the reality check to happen.
The way this is going, I'm going to have to repeat all my courses this semester. And that's worse than sad.
I wish I could say, like my friend, that fighting gets out all the tension that's been building up inside of me, but it doesn't. It just creates more tension, and ends up in me being more miserable than ever. Whenever I fight with my sister or my brother, the topic of me doing badly in school comes up, with them being the shining example of actually doing their homework, and me never winning the fight afterwards. And then snarky comments ensue after the fight, such as, "At least I do my homework." or "Why am I even talking to you? You don't even do your homework."
Yeah, they're not helping the situation. Because after the fight, rebellious teen that I am, I don't even consider listening to them. Instead, out of pure spite, I decide not to do my homework... for an hour (self-delusion; I'm usually asleep in an hour). This is a classic example of me cutting off my nose to spite my face.
The difference between a full-on fight, and the fight that I have with my sister is that, with a full-on fight, everyone's finished with each other afterwards, and the negative feelings have dissipated. With my sister, however, when she wins the fight (because she always does), she keeps on pushing it in my face. "Yeah, I'm better than you because I do my homework. Because I have better fashion taste. Because I actually do my chores. Because I have to act like the older sibling, even though I'm not..." And it goes on and on. God, I just really hate her competitive streak. It's so fucking annoying. I don't give a shit that you do all that stuff. Just leave me the fuck alone!
And I have to share a room with her, so it's not like I can kick her out of my room.
I just wish I had this room where I could close off everyone, and then maybe I would do something. I need a lock.
Okay. Today's the day when I can catch up. I'll just hand in the project and accept late marks. I'll finish the physics labs that were due more than a month ago, and the ten-page ISU due Monday. I'll finish all my chapter work, and start on my english essay.
[Notice I say this to myself everyday].
Monday 6 December 2010
Procrastination
This is about a really bad habit of mine. I am a procrastinator.
They say the first step in getting rid of a bad habit is acknowledging it. I've "acknowledged" it since I was in grade 7. It still hasn't gone away. In fact, it's actually gotten worse. So much so to the point that my entire family feels that I need a good kick to get things going.
I used to get really great marks in school, the kind of marks that made everyone think I was one of the smartest in the school. But that was when I was a kid, when the lessons about always doing more than my best on my homework and studying extra before a test were ingrained so deeply into my mind that I didn't even notice it was there. I thought it was natural. But even then, I was chafing against it. (Best word I could use.)
Grade seven was when I finally realized how those habits controlled my life. I was basically a loner, with no social life whatsoever and one measly best friend that I didn't even really like all that much (though I never said it to her face--she was really nice to me). But that was fine. I had my siblings to keep me company (even though they had their own friends to hang out with). The year before, I had won the Academic Award. It was a great accomplishment, and I worked my ass off for it, always asking the teacher how I could improve and such. But, what now? After I had won it, everyone treated me differently. No longer was I the quiet, invisible girl that people never even noticed. I was the person everyone wanted to copy off, while they called me "nerd" to my face. I hated it. Truth was, I loved being a loner. No one annoying bothered me and I was left to my own daydreams. (I wonder if that's what my friends mean when they say I'm out of it sometimes.)
Then I moved to a different school, and no one knew me anymore. I was invisible once again. It was a different sort of school, with a lot more smarter people. I remember getting my first test back and how shocked I was at the low grade. I don't know what happened to me, but I think that was when I stopped caring. After all, I had won the Academic Award, and what had that gotten me? What was the point?
And that's when my bad habit, procrastination, striked. It was creeping up on me the past few years, but my ingrained good habits kept it at bay. No longer. Singlehandedly, I destroyed those good habits that kept me afloat when I stopped caring. I started staying up late to finish last-minute projects, and being satisfied with a C+ (my younger self would have been horrified).
Grade 9 year in high school only helped sink its talons in deeper. I wonder, if it would have been at least a little difficult, I might've tried. Instead, I never did my homework, and I got A's and A+'s on my tests (probably leftover from my good years). I found friends who I actually like and could connect with. But, even now, it's difficult to fully contact someone and speak with them without a filter. Without someone there to step in when I have nothing to say. Perhaps that's why I still hesitate to call those I haven't seen in weeks.
Now I'm in my last year at high school, and I still haven't gotten rid of these procrastination habits that just come naturally now. My guidance councillor says I have avoidance issues. I know I do. Even now, I'm avoiding finishing my chemistry and physics homework by writing this blog. I'm close to failing all my courses and I don't know if I can get it together in time.
The only thing to do now is try. God, I hope it isn't too late.
They say the first step in getting rid of a bad habit is acknowledging it. I've "acknowledged" it since I was in grade 7. It still hasn't gone away. In fact, it's actually gotten worse. So much so to the point that my entire family feels that I need a good kick to get things going.
I used to get really great marks in school, the kind of marks that made everyone think I was one of the smartest in the school. But that was when I was a kid, when the lessons about always doing more than my best on my homework and studying extra before a test were ingrained so deeply into my mind that I didn't even notice it was there. I thought it was natural. But even then, I was chafing against it. (Best word I could use.)
Grade seven was when I finally realized how those habits controlled my life. I was basically a loner, with no social life whatsoever and one measly best friend that I didn't even really like all that much (though I never said it to her face--she was really nice to me). But that was fine. I had my siblings to keep me company (even though they had their own friends to hang out with). The year before, I had won the Academic Award. It was a great accomplishment, and I worked my ass off for it, always asking the teacher how I could improve and such. But, what now? After I had won it, everyone treated me differently. No longer was I the quiet, invisible girl that people never even noticed. I was the person everyone wanted to copy off, while they called me "nerd" to my face. I hated it. Truth was, I loved being a loner. No one annoying bothered me and I was left to my own daydreams. (I wonder if that's what my friends mean when they say I'm out of it sometimes.)
Then I moved to a different school, and no one knew me anymore. I was invisible once again. It was a different sort of school, with a lot more smarter people. I remember getting my first test back and how shocked I was at the low grade. I don't know what happened to me, but I think that was when I stopped caring. After all, I had won the Academic Award, and what had that gotten me? What was the point?
And that's when my bad habit, procrastination, striked. It was creeping up on me the past few years, but my ingrained good habits kept it at bay. No longer. Singlehandedly, I destroyed those good habits that kept me afloat when I stopped caring. I started staying up late to finish last-minute projects, and being satisfied with a C+ (my younger self would have been horrified).
Grade 9 year in high school only helped sink its talons in deeper. I wonder, if it would have been at least a little difficult, I might've tried. Instead, I never did my homework, and I got A's and A+'s on my tests (probably leftover from my good years). I found friends who I actually like and could connect with. But, even now, it's difficult to fully contact someone and speak with them without a filter. Without someone there to step in when I have nothing to say. Perhaps that's why I still hesitate to call those I haven't seen in weeks.
Now I'm in my last year at high school, and I still haven't gotten rid of these procrastination habits that just come naturally now. My guidance councillor says I have avoidance issues. I know I do. Even now, I'm avoiding finishing my chemistry and physics homework by writing this blog. I'm close to failing all my courses and I don't know if I can get it together in time.
The only thing to do now is try. God, I hope it isn't too late.
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