The Night

Have you ever noticed?

The night has a beauty that the day can never have. I realized this as I was walking home. I mean, the sky was cloudy, but, as I looked up, the moon was glowing bright in the night. Perhaps it's merely the glow of the city lights that make me say this (city girl that I am), but, honestly, the darkness doesn't frighten me. It's beautiful and enchanting in its own way.

I mean, I've been to areas where there aren't any streetlights, and there's only the glow of the moon to help you navigate (no stars because of light pollution) and, although it is very intimidating and frightening, it's not because of the darkness. It's because of what the darkness causes. People are the real monsters, and the darkness is just a chance for their true selves to come out without fear of anyone recognizing them, and, consequently, without fear of punishment.

The darkness will always be there--it's a part of nature. But it's not bad, or evil. It simply is. And, in its own way, it has a very abstract type of beauty, with shades of grey here and there in my grainy vision and a far off light glowing intensely against the dark. When everything around you is in shades of dark blue or dark green, or pure unrelieved black, it creates a very fascinating environment.

I was recently in this area where all the streetlights were very far away, yet still managed to somewhat light up my path, and there were plants and tall grass going up as far as my shoulders. Naturally, I was on a mud path that had cleared up most of the plants in its way, and, as I looked around, it was awe-inspiring. There were so many different shades of darkness, and, honestly, for a second, I just stood there, looking around, before hightailing it out of there. I mean, seriously, there were plants taller than me. Who knew what kind of pervert could be hiding behind them?

Everyone has a fascination with the night, even though some wouldn't like to admit it. Why else are there such things as night clubs and bars? In the day, everyone just goes to work, and the night's when it's really time to have fun.
In my estimation, the day doesn't compare with the night. I imagine the day as this happy-go-lucky golden retriever puppy that's cute, and heartwarming, but not really all that interesting. The night, on the other hand, is this black jaguar that's beautiful and fascinating, but come into too often contact with it, can be deadly.

Maybe it's just me. My friends say I'm fascinated by the simplest of things, but how can I not be? To borrow Sarah McLachlan's phrase, everyday is an ordinary miracle.

When I was walking home today, I was scared, but I was also awed at the difference between the night and the day.
Despite how many friends I have, I'm not much of a social person. I don't naturally like to hang around a bunch of people all the time. My friends are a wholly different scenario. Even so, I like to have my share of "alone time," which, for me, is as necessary as breathing. What I like about the night is that it has a far less number of people walking around than in the daytime. I can simply do whatever I wish when I'm walking home, and no one will be there to complain. Usually, I just belt out (off-key) the lyrics of whatever song I'm listening to on my mp3 player.

That's what I love about the night.
Its beauty, its simplicity, and the fact that no one's there to make you feel embarrassed.

The Crappy Day

I know. We all get them. Today was just one of the worst. And it was all my fault. I don't know what happened to me today. I just... I don't know.

My friends called it a total breakdown. You know, just one of those things. I think I even went a little hysterical on them for a bit. Thankfully, chocolate slowed me down, even though it may have made me a teensy bit high-strung. You can always count on chocolate to save the day.

I confess, I skipped the entire day. First period, I stood up a friend and a group member who had to present the entire thing by herself, and the other two periods, I probably missed a lab or two (Murphy's Law, much?). I mean, I skipped physics!! I told myself I wasn't going to do that anymore, because skipping even one day of physics is like putting yourself so far behind the class even more than you already are. I should know where this path leads. I fucked up last year, and it was the first time I had to go to summer school--which was such a complete nightmare that I told myself I would never willingly go to summer school again.

My friends told me I had it coming. I mean, I have English, Chemistry, Physics, and Functions in one semester. I'm not Asian. Sometimes I need a break from all this shit. And today I just had to fuck up. Today, when I had a frickin' Functions Test (I once studied for one of them, and I got a 65%!) that I didn't even study for. I don't even know what the fuck the teacher was talking about this past week--how the hell was I going to even get a 30% on the frickin' test? At least, that was my justification when I skipped it. Now I just feel like I'm postponing my doom.

I should've prepared for this eventuality. I thought I could go Asian, and work hard this semester. What a laughable concept. I haven't worked hard since two years ago. I stopped caring two years ago. And now, what the hell am I going to do? Sometimes I just feel like giving up, and going for a repeat year. But if I don't work hard this year, how will I next year?

I've tried to make myself care. I really have. I've looked at people who've dropped out and are working part-time jobs now, and seen how miserable they are now, but... I don't care. I've seen those who work twelve-hour shifts just to scrape by, and I still just fuck up. I've even done a twelve-hour shift, standing the entire fucking time. Granted, it was only for a day, but I still can't bring myself to care. What's wrong with me??

It's funny. I do care, but not about school. I care that I don't care about school. Does that make sense?

Maybe tomorrow, I'll read all this as melodramatic bullshit, and get on with life. With physics. And math. And chemistry and english. Most of the time I just want to rip out the pages of the physics textbook and drop the husk in a nearby river. Maybe even make a hat or two (origami is awesome!). But, other times, very occasionally, I just want to cover it in bronze and stand it up, just because of the fact that I can understand so much now. The world is so cool from a mathematical perspective. Sometimes, I'm amazed I can understand it, and other times I'm so fucking frustrated at its twisted logic.

You know what, direct proportionality and inverse proportionality can go fuck themselves.