When You Get Caught Talking to Yourself

... Yeah. Not fun when people think you may just be a little out of it. Then again, I guess I am a bit. o.0

But, seriously. Who doesn't do it? Well anyone at least marginally sane, that is. Sometimes, I just feel like there's two people inside my head, and me:

1. The one that I rarely ever listen to—the one who always tells me to sleep on time (yeah, right—who needs sleep, anyway?) and do my homework on time, and learn how to cook so I don't waste like $300 a month (and that's on the low side) on ordering out food.
2. And the one that I always listen to (despite my better judgement—see #1 for my better judgement)—the one that tells me to read and watch TV and surf the internet when I have a crapload of work due the next day, or even the next hour.

But my responsibilities are growing ever larger (much to my dissatisfaction), to the point that I can't ignore them as completely as I could have before. Take work, for example.

Work, as in a job that provides money, is something that I literally can't take for granted. I don't know why—maybe it's the fact that, when I was growing up, money was always an issue, and independence something difficult to find without the sufficient financial support. Whenever I go to work, though I know it's minimum wage and something that's not going to last forever—something that I shouldn't want to last forever, if I'm to aim my sights higher, I work harder than I do in any other area of my life. I'm always on time, I always do as many of my required tasks as I can, and, most of all, I concentrate and work hard on doing the best that I can. Maybe it's because it's minimum wage, and therefore I know I'm replaceable—easily and affordably.

Before I ever had a part-time job, I was incredibly lazy. In fact, there were weeks on end where I would do nothing except watch TV or read.

But school... that's something that's becoming somewhat of an issue. For years, I've had a really bad habit of not doing my work until the very last second, and it's gotten progressively worse. Now that there's the issue of the government loan hanging on my head if I don't do well, the pressure is increasing.

Before, I could just fuck off homework and do marginally well, or barely pass. And even if I didn't, well, I just told myself that there'd always be the next time.

I can't do that anymore. If I fail a course, that's around $800 per semester that I'm wasting. In fact, I already failed a course, and now I'm going to have to spend another $800 to take it in the summer. For someone who's saving up for braces (I mean, I'm 19 now—I really need to get them soon), that's a huge blow.
Not to mention that if I fail too many courses, or do far too badly, I'll get kicked out of university, and have to pay off the rest of my student loan—with nothing to show for it.

I really can't fail anymore. But now I have work on top of school, and somehow I need to balance that, along with improving my bad habits from the past couple years of complete laziness (or depression, depending on your point of view)—as well as starting to work out again, because I've gotten really fat ever since losing my bike in that accident.

The voice that keeps telling me to do better is growing progressively louder—to the point that I get caught yelling at myself, and muttering what needs to be done. Thankfully, that's only when I drink too much caffeine.

As you can tell from me typing this up at 1am in the morning, I may have had too much caffeine today. Although my customers didn't mind. They were far more talkative than usual—then again, so was I. But I am surprised they understood half of what I was saying, as I was talking too fast for even me to understand myself.

Sometimes, I feel I'm more productive when I'm yelling at myself and on a huge caffeine high. I really don't know why.