You know, over the past few months, one thing I've noticed about myself is that I have quite a passion for self-destruction. No matter how many times I'm forgiven, how many chances I've been given, I will inevitably screw it up in the end. And not accidentally. Oh no, that would absolve me of at least part of the blame (according to my twisted mind). No, these mistakes are quite deliberate. So can they actually be called mistakes? Ah, well, it doesn't really matter in the long run. What matters is that I've screwed up my life. Again.
It seems that I'm just not happy unless I'm avoiding something so important that it just becomes worse for me in the end, and jeopardizes my future. I wonder if I would be happier if I were more ordinary, and actually able to do hard work without the itch building beneath the surface, until I need to avoid it, just this once so the itch'll go away, at least for a little bit. And then it starts again, and again, the time intervals in between becoming shorter and shorter. Or else I start resenting it, more and more, until I hate the sight of it, and dread it the day before. And therein lies my inability to commit to anything. It's the same with people. I can't see the same people, day after day, until I start feeling suffocated, and there's this huge need to just leave and avoid. At least until the feeling starts going away after a while.
Is it just that I'm spoiled, and lazy? Probably. Undoubtedly. After all, I was raised in the western world, part of the generation of when the internet first came out, and was complete chaos. There were no restrictions, no firewalls, no copyrights, no rules. People could do anything, say anything. Perhaps that's why my generation is more wary and critical of the media than any other before us. For parents, it was doubly hard, as anything they tried to avoid telling their child, he/she could simply learn it over the internet. And it gave them the ability to refute their parent's arguments and traditional viewpoints on many subjects. I doubt any other generation will have as much freedom over the internet as ours ever had. Soon, chaos has to become order, and it's happening now, just two decades later, little by little.
Although, to have a passion for self-destruction, I must actually be passionate about it in the first place. But I'm just apathetic about everything. I really can't bring myself to care, about anything. I decide to take the easy route in the present, which actually makes it harder for me in the future.
I try, I guess. I mean, I have more responsibilities now. I have a job, and once I got a job, I was expected to pay for everything (save groceries and rent) myself. I was expected to now have the money to take care of myself (pay for my braces, just as my brother did when he got a job, buy my laptop, facial creams, etc.), all the while keeping up with nightschool.
But, instead, I got laid off. But I'm not sad over that, really. In fact, I was incredibly miserable in that job. It was simply too far and too much work, all for minimum wage. But I settled. And that's what you get when you take the easy route and settle. You become miserable and end up working too hard for minimum benefits. But a job like that takes a toll on you. And you start to wonder if it isn't just yourself. If you're really just that stupid, that you just can't get anything right. And even me, who really couldn't care less, was starting to feel inferior.
But no matter. It's done and over with, and if it happens again, I'll just quit and find another job that's easier to deal with. After all, it's just a job, not a career. I don't need to be thinking about what I need to do during my time off. That's not a job.
But my education's suffering now as well, through no fault other than mine. Nightschool is not as lax in attendance as day school is, and, in the beginning, I thought that would be a good thing. The "skip more than three days and you're out" rule would help curb my skipping habit, I thought.
Well, apparently not. This is the fifth day I've skipped my physics class. Before, I was hovering just over the edge, with 3 days absent. Then came this week, which I skipped two days in a row. I have no idea how my teacher will receive me, and... I just couldn't really care.
So here I am, with no job, in debt (oh, did I forget to mention my liberal use of my credit card, especially when I got laid off?), and possibly kicked out of school.
I guess I can fix it. With a doctor's note, and applying for a new job. That is, if I actually care enough to fix it.
